monologue at 3 a.m.

2006-02-07T21:13:00.000-05:00

Ok...so I haven't posted in forever. I'm starting to just think that the habitual blog neglect sort of thing comes with the territory of being me. No, this isn't a real post persay. Maybe three of you, and I emphasize the maybe, will have any clue where this came from or what it pertains to. But, you know, that doesn't really matter. It's being put up here because I like it and it more or less reflects what I'm not willing to put in my own words.

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need...

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

yet another update

2005-07-15T17:59:00.000-04:00

this is getting a little pathetic. i think i'm blogging more on the road than i do when i am at home. ah well...that's me for ya. anyhoo, the first week of youth camp just finished up. we are a bit tired. :-p granted i write that as i know at least three of us are downstairs taking naps. teeheehee. but that is beside the point. youth camp was great. i got to talk with some awesome kids and watch God do his thing. yay! we're all looking forward to next week. it's going to be amazing. i'm getting a bit silly and don't think i can say much more coherently. besides i need to go downstairs and change out the washer and dryer. hope you all are having a wonderful summer and perhaps i'll be able to say more soon! :)

p.s. i miss you lots too lil!!!

update

2005-07-08T15:51:00.000-04:00

well late is better than never.....at least i think so anyways. so the six steps team is out and about and has been for approximately four weeks now(?). much fun has been had. we've walked 5 miles in the snow uphill both ways around medway passing out flyers for vbs. we got to help out with a backyard bible club in troy with jonathan newman's church koinos. right now we are in cleveland making a stop at the local library to print out directions and clean out email inboxes. i would go into more detail with all the fun stuff that's happened, but alas i cannot at the moment. time is running short. so for a bit more info on what we've been up to go to andy's xanga. he's been pretty good about keeping it updated as we galavant about. anyhoo...i will see you all in a few weeks! until then have a great summer.

p.s. i'm driving the van this weekend....so if your don't mind, pray i don't wreck it....many thanks

what remains...

2005-05-13T10:14:00.000-04:00

She grew up in a house on Voight Drive in Indianapolis. It was an average house with white siding and a wooden garage door her father had made one summer. The inside wasn’t much different. Brown carpet covered most of the floors. She can recall how it used to swirl beneath her feet when she would run around in circles, reminding her of chocolate ice cream and fudge. The walls were white, save those in her and her sister’s bedroom. But all the walls were marred with remnants of children’s dirty fingers. Maybe they aren’t anymore. Her father kept the house after the divorce and lived there until his second marriage. Then he sold it. By now, layers of latex paint have been brushed across the old stains and smears to make way for new ones; the old carpet torn up and replaced with something less matted, less worn.

Nevertheless, that is the house where her memories reside. Ones of the many pets her family housed, of her first years of school, of learning how to live. No matter how often the walls are painted the marks and imperfections still seep through. With each additional coat they do grow fainter, but she can still find them easily. She knows where they are, where they always will be. They have become points of reference for her. How she knows who she is, what she is. They are why she came to love words, finding herself in another’s voice, someone who could say the things she could not. They are why she watched birds, longing for the freedom their wings gave them.

Years have continued to pass, changing how the house looks, how she looks. But beneath it all, they both have remained the same. The stains haven’t been cleaned up, they are still there. She still longs to have a voice of her own and wings.

So...

2005-04-29T23:59:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the absence of posting. Granted I'm sure y'all are used to it by now. My disappearing for a while is nothing new and I am certain that will not be the last time it happens. My apologies to Kari and Ian. I will have your interview questions ready ASAP. I'm horrible at that sort of thing though...ah well. I feel like I have nothing interesting to say, ya know? Life has been kinda mundane...I think. I'm not really paying attention right now. When something bothers me I try to ignore it. Not healthy, I know. But I'm not going for healthy right now, I'm going for just scraping by. Things at the cafe are going well. I haven't burnt the place down or broken too many things, just a couple shot glasses. But...yeah. I am not really in the mood to talk about work. Or school. Or much of anything for that matter. Hence the lack of posts. Not that those things are horrid or anything. I just haven't felt like talking.
So I am terrible about keeping this place updated and will in no way be offended if you have linked to me and choose to delete that link. Right now I don't even think I would keep myself in my links list. Honestly, I don't really know why anybody would read this blog. I'm not really funny or cute. More often than not I have nothing intelligent to say, let alone entertaining. I usually keep things pretty vague and shallow. So why do I blog?
I don't know either.

Interview Game

2005-03-14T22:25:00.000-05:00

Here are the official rules of the interview game:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
6. I will answer reasonable follow up questions if you leave a comment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now let the fun begin!

1. If you had to give a cookie to each person you say deserves one...what kind would you give out?
As of late I have been using E.L. Fudge Grasshopper cookies. Not quite as good as Girl Scout Thin Mints but they are a bit more readily accessible. In the past I think I have made use of Otis Spunkmeyer cookies also. However, I think homemade ones are best. Nothing beats chocolate chip cookies made from scratch.

2. How do you truely feel about the rubber duckies in the sound booth?
I love them. And the reasons sound kinda silly when I think about them.Nevertheless, the duckies serve a multitude of purposes. First and foremost they keep me from taking myself too seriously. Honestly, when you have like eight pairs of rubber ducky eyes watching you run sound you just have to laugh. Second, they make me think of when Apex was still in the gym. For good or bad I am often reminded of being trapped under the stage, duck taped to a folding chair, and all the other quirking moments that were had while setting up for a Sunday morning. Last but not least, they make me smile. Something I pray God can do as He watches me in the booth.

On an entirely different note, the rooster in the KidsTown booth just scares me. I mean, good grief, he's missing an eye!

3. Who is your favorite author, which work, and why?
I think I would have to say C.S. Lewis. His versatility absolutely astounds me. I have always loved The Chronicles of Narnia. I remember my mother reading them to me when I was small, before we moved to Ohio, so those will always have a certain nostalgic allure.

4. Describe one thing that you are deathly afraid of.
This is absolutely ridiculous and I know it. But, it's the first thing I thought of. So here it goes...I am horrified of the dark. Especially being alone outside in the dark. I'm typically the nut people see flat out sprinting toward the car with keys in hand if I have to go out after nightfall by myself. The funny thing is I don't mind being alone. But at night I get all freaked out. The first time I was housesitting for Lil I had to sleep downstairs with the lights on the first couple of nights. And I spend the night there pretty often. I even get all creeped out just walking from my driveway to the front door of my house. Things like that make me feel so isolated and vulnerable. I'm not even sure why. What I can't see just terrifies me beyond all belief.

5. Are you content with your choice of WSU? Why?
Yes. While part of me still wishes I would have tried to attend college further away from home, I know God kept me here for reasons. Some of which I know and am increasingly thankful for, such as meeting wonderful people through WSU's Crosswalk, being able to be a part of Apex, and being able to be a part of Six Steps last summer. Others I have yet to discover. But really, I can't imagine having gone anywhere else.

random thoughts from the shower

2005-03-07T19:31:00.000-05:00

i think my writing tends to be a bit dark. well, not all my writing. mostly my fiction. i wonder why that is... am i just predisposed to write as such? am i even allowed to write like that? i know that's a seemingly silly question, but sometimes i start to think that i am not supposed to. aren't i supposed to be happy? aren't my words supposed to be happy too? i don't know. i can still see the darkness, the unpleasant things that consume this world...perhaps more clearly than some...but is that a good thing? is it even a bad thing? or is my perspective just all askew? i can't tell...
i can't tell
and at times that frightens me. the things that are seen as hazy within that blackness, that unknown night, have definition and shape. and i know. i have seen it. i can still see it. is this how i am supposed to be? how i was created? or just a by-product of living? is it a defect? a flaw? or something else? i have no answers.

a few things...

2005-02-14T23:11:00.000-05:00

i thought i would mention a few things before you proceed to the following two posts.
1.) this is the short story i turned in for my class (yes it needs revision so if you have a suggestion(s) feel free to make it in the comments section of either of the posts)
2.) i got the sermon story from something i heard Erwin McManus say on a dvd
3.) the thought of me having posted this makes me want to puke (yes...it makes me that nervous)

thank you.....enjoy if you can

Let It Snow (part 1)

2005-02-14T23:10:00.000-05:00

I swung the door shut on my white Shadow and stood in the parking lot staring at the steeple that loomed high above me. Gray and weathered, it had seen better days. But then, so had I. I wondered if this time would be any different. My doubt punctuated by little clouds of breath, I trudged against the impinging cold. I must have passed a dozen rows in that parking lot, all littered with mini-vans and family cars. I imagined all the happy little families that must ride about in them. Sitting in the pews. Smiling. All being good little Christians. Right down to the gurgling babies in their mothers’ laps.

It was silent outside the church. Save the scraping of my high heels across the concrete sidewalk. I teetered up the well-worn cement steps and noticed a woman watching me from the glass double doors. No, I was mistaken. It was not a woman that stood looking at me, but a girl. A girl who was playing dress-up in her mother’s clothes. A black skirt hung loosely on her; hose gathered about her ankles like elephant skin. The winter coat barely clung to her shoulders. She wore a grimace upon her naked lips. They twisted into a wry smirk as I reached for the door. I clutched the handle, and her hand melded into the doorframe. I left her on the other side of the glass and made my way down an orange-carpeted hall. Wood paneling flanked me on either side. Music filtered through the walls and assailed my head with the standard assortment of piano, organ, and voice. I ascended the balcony stairway slowly, reluctant to join the ranks of those singing. Atop the staircase, I faltered. All those cheerful faces. Devout people. What was I doing there?

I pondered turning around, running for my car, escaping that place. I would rather have been anywhere but there. Home was where I really wanted to be. I wanted to see mom again, to talk to her, to tell her how sorry I was, to hear her say my name. I would have given anything for her to speak to me again. But I couldn’t do anything about that. Not anymore.

Nevertheless, I stayed in the church. Why, I couldn’t say. But I stayed just the same. I quietly slid into the nearest pew. I doubted the lady next to that vacancy even noticed me filling it. She was devoting all her concentration to the hymnal clasped in her wrinkled hands. She still sang off key. I felt foolish sitting there watching her. Looking for faith in my orange pew. It wasn’t long though, before the hymn reached its last refrain and the preacher moved to the pulpit. He looked a bit odd behind that large wooden stump of a podium. Like a bust that is kept on display in a museum. He was an average looking man. Average for a preacher at least. Gray headed and a little portly he stood a couple feet taller than the podium. He looked to be around the age my father should be. Would be. If things had been different.

Let It Snow (part 2)

2005-02-14T23:05:00.000-05:00

It was not a young crowd that occupied that sanctuary. No, I’d say it was middle-aged at best. So why was the preacher reminiscing about college? What need does this crowd have to be warned against the temptations of drunken frat parties brimming with scantily clad girls? He surprised me though. That wasn’t where he was going at all. No, instead he spoke of a girl he met while in college. A girl who neither dated him nor became his wife. She was his lab partner in Chemistry 121. Naturally, they rarely talked of anything other than chemistry because of this. On one rare occasion, she did ask him about his religion. He replied with, of course, nothing short of the gospel. Birth to death to resurrection. She scoffed at none of this. What she scoffed at was his assurance of God’s love. Both for himself and her. She said she needed proof. In a moment of rash foolishness, he declared that God would do anything, even something as insignificant as making it snow, to prove His love for her. Without hesitation, she agreed if it were to snow by morning she could believe God loved her. He spent most of that night on his dorm room floor. Praying it would snow before the morning came and falling asleep before the night passed. When the buzzing of his alarm clock woke him, he went to his window. Afraid to part the curtains he just stood there for a while, until he heard a girl shouting outside. He drew back the curtains to see the campus blanketed in white. Outside the dorms, that girl stood in the middle of all the snow and shouted to anyone who would listen that God loved her.

The preacher made a few more points after he finished his story. I couldn’t tell you what they were. Even if I wanted to. The music minister occupied the pulpit again and asked everyone to turn to hymn 171, Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul. I didn’t pick up a hymnal. Instead I picked up my coat and slipped down the stairs. I wasn’t in the mood to play games. It was hard enough for me to smile when I felt like it, let alone when I didn’t. Besides I needed to feed Jenny’s cat. She let me housesit for her that weekend. The escape from my roommates was appreciated. It was difficult for me to find time to be alone. Especially living with those two girls. But that Sunday I had plenty. On the drive to Jenny’s I wasn’t sure if I really wanted that time alone now that I had it.

Would mom be proud of me? For going to church, I mean. I wondered if she still went. Did she still believe in God? We used to be one of those happy families. The ones that sat smiling in the pew. So picturesque and ethereal. But that was a long time ago. Before Dad died. Before Hope died. The first few weeks after it happened mom blamed herself for not making Hope wear her water wings. Not long after that, she started to blame me. I was supposed to be watching her. Mom had told me to keep an eye on Hope while she played in her pool. It was one of those cheap plastic ones with the animals parading across the side. I just went to answer the phone. I was only gone a minute. Just a minute. I didn’t think anything would happen. I thought she would be ok. But I was wrong. At her funeral, I put the water wings in her casket. Dad had always called her his little angel. But that was before she died. He never really talked about her afterwards. He would just sit in their rocking chair, his and Hope’s, and hold The Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite. Mom found him in the bathtub a month later. He had plugged in the hair dryer and thrown it in the tub with him.

I fed Jenny’s cat and went upstairs. I sat on her bed and stared out the window. In the thin layer of frost on the pane I wrote my name with my fingertip. Faith. I watched the clouds sail through the darkening sky. I waited. For what, I wasn’t sure. But I waited just the same. And I wondered. Could it snow for me too?

i know...i know...

2005-02-12T23:35:00.000-05:00

yes, i need to post. no if's, and's, or but's about it. i am long overdue for a post. but sad to say i will not really be posting today...hopefully tomorrow....but i will give no guarantees. so upon the completion of my short story, i shall post. until then i bid you well.

retraction

2005-01-31T22:09:00.000-05:00

ok.....so it hasn't been two days. so sue me. i was reading lana's blog and felt inspired to post some poetry myself. have no worries though. i wrote neither of these.

The Chimney Sweeper by William Blake ->

Not Waving But Drowning by Stevie Smith ->

hear ye, hear ye

2005-01-31T13:58:00.000-05:00

this is my "official" notice that there will be no updates made to this blog for a least the next two days. perhaps one will appear sometime wednesday evening. until then have a lovely day, enjoy life, etc. i'm off to go find a place to sleep...

I would just like to take a moment to say...

2005-01-26T22:59:00.000-05:00

I think I may start up a category or two on here for my posts. Props to dooce for the notion. Posts will neither be filed according to category nor will all posts fall under a category. This is just so there will be some sort of organization among all the random things I have to say. Then you will have a better idea of what to expect as far as post content goes also. At least I think you will. So without further ado...onto the point. *ahem*

I saw leg warmers for sale...at Wal-Mart. They were attached to a pair of jeans in the juniors department. Aparently they were some sort of bonus when you purchased that style of jeans. But good grief! LEG WARMERS?!?!? What is the world coming to? Run for the hills people....I think the 80's are making a comeback.

I would just like to take a moment to say...

2005-01-22T21:47:00.000-05:00

LANA CANTRELL READS MY BLOG
EGADS

to hear her laugh

2005-01-10T21:38:00.000-05:00

these can be dark days. sometimes the darkness can be so oppressive...and so close. so close it steals your very breath away. there are no words to describe it. no form of language can relate what you feel or the pain you have seen. and it seems you can do nothing; nothing to ease the hurt or to comfort the tattered heart, nothing but watch and pray that in due time the wounds can heal and that wholeness isn't beyond reach. but you aren't sure of what lies ahead and you wonder if it really will be ok someday. part of you doubts it ever will. and then you hear her laughter again. you see a smile light the shadowed corners of her eyes. though it was only for a moment, you could see hope. not much...but enough. you try to cling to that so hard. you fear if you don't she might not either. someone has to remember to hope; hope that she will stop blaming herself, that she knows how much she is loved, that god is in this mess somewhere and that one day we can see it.

happy new year?

2005-01-05T21:17:00.000-05:00

Four days ago I tried to write a nice little happy post to publish on my blog. You know, for new year's and all. But let's face it that was not going to happen. I thought maybe I could start the year off with a post and hopefully upgrade to making daily installations here in blogland. Nope. That poor ambition didn't have a chance. I'm sure all of you could have told me that from the beginning, couldn't you? Ah well. So much for that notion. On to other things...

Classes started up at good ol' WSU this past Monday. I'm taking sociology, short story writing, Latin 2, and literary study. Woo-hoo! Some of the short stories may venture on here a time or two. Other than that you probably won't here much more about school from me. Not unless something interesting and nonacademic happens. Then I will attempt to share the tale of some entertaining college mishap.

Nothing much has been going on at the cafe lately. At least no bloodshed or fire. The eleventh we have to take inventory. It starts at 6 a.m. As discouraging as that sounds, it does mean I get to come home earlier in the afternoon so it shouldn't be all that bad. Plus I get to bust out what has been affectionately deemed my "camel coat." Most people have seen it at least once. I wore it most of last winter and the winter before that. It's a huge tan furry thing that appears to eat me alive whenever I wear it. It's the hood that earns it the name though. The hood on this coat is oversized and floppy. One of those that when you put it on your head vanishes. It just gets sucked into the mass of fuzziness along with the rest of your torso. Why am I recounting the idiosyncrasies of said monstrous coat? Because the majority of our inventory is in the freezer. By golly I may not look cute, but I will be warm.

Aside from that there's not much left to say really...

umm...

2004-12-24T00:35:00.000-05:00

Considering I have already posted once today. You all must surely know that I have nothing else to say. At least not really. This post about nothingness is prone to be less entertaining than those of a certain other wonderful writer who shall remain nameless for the moment. I daresay I cannot quite bring myself to just start writing with no turning back in any sort of public forum. I have several details I still like to keep to myself. Granted as of late my subject matter has been moving toward the more personal and I'm not entirely sure if this is a good thing yet or not. Time if nothing else will most assuredly tell.

In an attempt to keep myself typing and thus slowly render my brain numb the remainder of this post may be a good deal incoherent. I can guarantee there will be a good many tense shifts as there always are in my writing. The spelling will hopefully not be too atrocious because I will indeed be running the spell check on this post before it's published. But I fear that if I go back to read through for verb tense consistency I will delete the whole thing in light of its irrelevence and unimportance.

Mind you not many of the things I say on here are important, but this post seems to currently be on the top of the list. I mean honestly. I'm talking about verb tenses here. I have hit a very, very sad point in the material I have to draw from. So let us move onto a topic that is a bit more entertaining perhaps. What it is, I really have no clue. Just whatever happens to cross my mind. Hmm.....ok maybe not really.

Again, I like to keep a few things to myself so let's opt for the next thought. Something about ducks in the rain? No...I have nowhere to go with that. Randomness is not being much of an ally tonight. I can usually rely on her to distract people long enough that I may change the course of a conversation if it is going in an undesirable direction for me. Some of you know this and have caught on to my shameless ploy. Grr on you. She also serves me well in times when I have little or nothing to say. Alas, I have been let down.

You know, if I lived on my own I would not have a Christmas tree. There would be no decorations. There would be no lights. Nothing. Why? I really don't see the point. Sure it's cute and all, but what is the functionality of it? Part of it even saddens me. To see it all hanging there, so limp and lifeless. But perhaps I have never really been what you would call a "festive" person. Or at least if I ever was I cannot remember it. Sure as a child I enjoyed hanging the ornaments on the tree. I liked to look them over and recall where they came from and all the memories that accompanied their stay with us.

Anymore it doesn't seem like those memories are happy. Now they seem to be stained gray by the passage of time itself. Things then don't seem happy at all anymore. They just were. I wonder what once made them so happy for me. Ignorance? Denial? Or perhaps hope...

snowed in!!!

2004-12-23T13:12:00.000-05:00

Here's the deal. Last night I went to Lil's place so she, Jimmy and I could exchange our Christmas gifts. Well perhaps I got there a bit closer to three. So in all accuracy I went to Lil's place yesterday afternoon. But that is beside the point....kind of. Anyway, before I got there I had to finish up a little shopping. Yes, it was insane to think at that point I could accomplish anything that involved driving a car considering how much snow was on the ground. Now if I was driving a snow plow that would be a different story entirely. But alas, I have no snow plow. Thus I was left to conquer the impending horde of snow in my little blue cavalier. But first, I had to broom off my car. Yes, broom off. It was that bad. Looking back, I wouldn't say the quickly advancing snow was conquered, at least not by me. No, rather it was braved. Braved at about 20 miles per hour.

After the remaining gifts were acquired I ventured further north to Lil's apartment. And it was still snowing. So much so that after three or four hours the accumulating snow had once again covered my car. By then the three of us were well into our Christmas festivities and enjoying the evening. After White Christmas had finished I took a peek outside to see if it was still snowing. It indeed was. There was no hope of me getting my car out. Right now I'm still here. Here being Lil's place. This morning my car was less accessable than it was last night. Right now I'm supposed to be at work. And I am feeling guilty. Arg. On the happier side of things I am snowed in with a couple great friends and quite a few good books (which the great friends gave me for Christmas). Having said that I feel like such an English major. Ah well.

driving home

2004-12-20T21:33:00.000-05:00

I pulled onto Route 4 and followed it to I-75 like I do every night I leave Lil's apartment. I past the same street lamps and off-ramps I did the night before. Everything looked just as it always has. But this time there was something different about it. Something in the back of my mind that began to resound against the surrounding darkness...

"i know this road."

"Well, no duh. You drive it how often?"

"no...there's something else....something oddly familiar...
'you take I-70 to I-675 to I-75.' that's what he told me. when i asked how long it would be before we got home. that's what he told me."

And I remembered. I remembered what it was like to have to sit in the front seat. How my sister didn't want to sit there either, but one of us had to. How I wanted to be home. Right then. How I sat with my knees pressed against the car door, afraid to fall asleep. How I would watch the street lights go by and think of other things. Think of anything other than where I was sitting.

My fear of the enclosing night and what the twilight hides crept in again. I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, turned the music up a little louder and just tried to breathe.

Cafe: 3 Robin: 0

2004-12-17T02:43:00.000-05:00

Alas, the wound tally has risen to three. I say this as I am bemoaning my own clumsiness. It's truly a wonder I can get out of bed without loosing a limb. That is the level of grace and poise we're talking about here, people. In my last post I failed to mention that as I removed the fiery wax paper from the toaster oven my hand collided with the inside of the toaster leaving a cute little burn spanning my first two knuckles. Today the coffee bin and box cutter decided to join in on the fun. While I was getting out the southern pecan decaf. beans the bin they occupied thought it would be best to sit on the floor. Or at least for the duration of the bean scooping. Afterwards it seemed content to return to the shelf it came from. But anyway... Who am I to argue with a coffee bin? So down it went. Since I am a novice in the handling of delicate and temperamental creatures, such as the coffee bin, it took a bit of a finger with it on its descent.

No more than an hour following this encounter I discovered the plastic forks had run out. Being the amazing spiderwoman I am I scaled a metal rack in the corner of the cafe and tossed a box of forks onto the floor below. (To ensure you all get the sarcasm that permeates the previous statement I'm including the next two points: 1.) As I mentioned before, I am quite clumsy. No agility here. 2.) I am completely, totally and utterly HORRIFIED of heights. It's a miracle I can climb a step-stool.) When dealing with any boxed supplies, which includes cups, java jackets, plastic utensils and the like, it's standard procedure to remove the cardboard flaps along the top. This prevents people from being snagged by the boxes as they walk past them. As I'm sure you have guessed, the box cutter I chose to use was feeling a little moody today. I must have picked it up the wrong way or held it tighter than it liked because before the last flap was detached I lost another bit of a finger.

I'm beginning to think a good deal of the cafe equipment is female. Ergo I'm going to invest in a pair of sturdy leather gloves to keep in my apron. No, really. I am.

wax paper + toaster oven = not good

2004-12-15T01:47:00.000-05:00

Today began like any ordinary workday. People came into the cafe with money and left with coffee. A few left with a cookie or other sugary snack too. However, at some point this particular evening entertainment became a part of the package. We had run out of spinach and fetta croissants so a lady asked me to check in the fridge if we had any more. Now this fridge is not of the typical household variety. Oh no. It's the variety where you wouldn't be surprised to run into a small flock of penguins on your way to fetch the milk. It's absolutely HUGE. And there's a walk-in freezer in the back of it, which I like to think of as our own little slice of the Antarctic. I'm currently trying to convince our manager that a sled and some dogs wouldn't be a bad investment...but that's beside the point. Back to the gargantuan fridge. So I was looking through the boxes of muffins, scones and croissants and having no luck at all. There's not a spinach and fetta anything in sight.

The next step was to extend my search to the freezer. No, I wouldn't sell one straight out of the freezer to the poor hungry woman, I just thought that moving whatever was left of these things into the fridge would be a good idea. Nope. I was very wrong. You see, the box of spinach and fetta croissants was the second from the bottom on the top shelf. Naturally, I thought if I lifted up the boxes sitting on top of the one I wanted it would slip out with relatively no complications. Here was where the error in my thinking occurred. Slip out the box did, but not without complications. The boxes on top decided rather quickly to mutiny against this lone barista. The mutiny took the form of them falling onto the nearby lightbulb that stuck out of the freezer wall. The only lightbulb in the freezer. Not only did the plastic cover fall off the light but it took the glass part of the bulb with it, leaving the filament suspended on its wires in the wake of the unsettling cracking of glass.

Now just to make sure we're still on the same page, let's recap: I'm in the freezer. A ridiculously cold freezer. And now it's dark. Unbelievably dark. In one hand is the box of croissants I was looking for. In the other is the plastic light cover full of glass shards. OK. Back to the story...

With both of my hands full I kicked open the door and put the light cover on the shelf in the fridge with the boxes of various Minute Maid juices and the croissants on the bottom shelf with the other pastries. I headed back to the counter where the lady first inquired of our refrigerated supplies and informed her that there are no spinach and fetta croissants that aren't frozen at the moment. She settled on a ham and cheese one instead. I proceeded to place the croissant in the toaster oven to warm it up and directed her to the cash register where I could ring in her purchase. Soon the croissant was all toasty and ready to be eaten. Alas, both sets of tongs were in the sink in back. I couldn't touch the food with my bare hands (that's just not right) so I grabbed a piece of wax paper and figured I could nudge this thing out of the toaster and onto the plate.

All was going well until the wax paper came in contact with the bar in the bottom that heated up. And, oh dear, were the results attention getting. At first it was just a little corner of the paper that was smoking a bit. Granted a bit of fire accompanied that smoke, but I thought this to be no big deal. I'd just blow it out real quick and no one would notice. Oh no. Not that simple. At all. The fire was quickly consuming the wax paper and blowing on it was doing no good. So I moved on to waving it around. Still no good. Finally I threw the paper on the ground to stamp it out. But the paper didn't really plummet like it should, or at least how I envisioned it should. It kind of drifted, taking its merry time. Finally it hit the floor after what seemed like an eternity and I pounced all over that sucker. There was no way I was going to let anything else catch on fire. By now everyone in the cafe was watching me. And their mouths were hanging open.

Maybe I should look into a job in fire eating. Or at least twirling those batons you can set on fire...

nuthin'

2004-12-13T22:21:00.000-05:00

Well, over the past few days I pondered posting about the random misadventures of this budding barista. One of which included the cafe running out of vanilla syrup. I'm sure many of you are now thinking, "What's significant about that?" In an effort to quickly quell such questions I will simply say that just about every frozen drink made at Joe Muggs requires vanilla syrup at one stage or another. Thus all frozen drink requests had to be nonchalantly denied. Due to the delay between these occurrences and my sitting down to write about them a certain element has been lost. Namely the humor. So...

I find myself with little to say. Being under Lil's "blogging often" list does require one to post, dare I say, often. So I shall attempt to faithfully fulfill this condition by posting weekly if not more frequently. Even when I have nothing to say.

2004-12-11T23:39:00.000-05:00

will i bleed repentance
on the canvas of my pain?
will confession be my evidence
that i want to change?
or will it be a lip service
to persuade observant eyes
that i am my beloved's
and he is truly mine?
will i recite these pick-up lines
in hopes a one night stand
will prove to him he's not enough
that i need several men?
will he look past the words that drip
from off my whoring tongue?
will he turn to walk away
ashamed of all i've done?
or can he love this prostitute
i've let myself become?

cheerios?

2004-12-05T02:43:00.000-05:00

It's late. Perhaps too late for someone running on as much sleep as I am to be up and at 'em. Nevertheless I am awake and truckin' along like nobody's business. Sitting at the computer chatting with a friend and eating cheerios. Yes. Cheerios. And it's not a bowl of cheerios mind you. Oh no. I am being my daring self and eating them STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOX. This would be due to the lack of milk in the fridge, but by golly I am still munchin' away. They are the berry burst cheerios too. You know, the ones with the dried stawberries and bananas mixed in. Pretty tasty. Well, at least the strawberries are. The bananas kinda have the texture of styrofoam.

late night musings

2004-11-29T22:12:00.000-05:00

Whenever I think about this past summer I always think of the weekend the Six Steps team spent at University Baptist Church. It's not really the performances or practices I remember most but that Saturday night we spent in the Stecks' family room. We sat down to do our devotion before going to our respective host homes to get some sleep before the Sunday morning service. Kelly opened in prayer and then read a few verses aloud.

Then she did something unexpected. She asked how we were all doing. But first, she chose to expose the dark corners of her life. She was honest. Painfully so. It was still early in the summer and she could have chosen to give all the good little Christian answers and left her walls intact. But she didn't. She shared what was really going on with her and God and where she was struggling. Slowly and some of us more timid than others, we followed suit.

Each of us chose to be real. We chose to step out from behind facades and quit hiding. Everyone's eyes were brimming with tears as we each in turn shared how unprepared we were, how little time we had given to God going into such a big commitment, and the fears and insecurities that took up the space in our hearts that rightfully belonged to Christ. Many tears were shed and much love was shared. We sat there dismantling the walls that stood between us and gave the others permission to come close.

I was afraid for a while. I was afraid of what they would think. Of what they would say when they knew. But no one said anything. They just cried with me and held me close. And I knew they loved me. In those hours God gave me a glimpse of what He felt for me. He showed me what I know to be the closest thing to unconditional love this side of heaven. I never felt so free to love another person before. There were no games or pretenses. We left them there on that white carpet in little heaps of tissues all around the room. All that was left was six imperfect and worn people. But our raggedness didn't matter.

That night set us up for the rest of the summer. We knew when a teammate was hurting. We stopped and prayed for each other when we knew there was nothing else to be done but hug them tight and cry along with them. We gave each other to God because we learned He is the only one who could hold us together and fill in the cracks. He was the only one strong enough to bear our pain. So we let go of the things that made our shoulders sag under the weight of a heavy heart. God freed each of us from so much.

Even though I don't see them every day anymore I do think of them often. The laughs and tears we shared. And especially the love. The love that banded our little ragtag crew into a community that lived and served to make God smile.

baby bunnies part 1

2004-11-29T21:33:00.000-05:00

Isn't it so unbelievably adorable??? I could just eat this bunny up!

baby bunnies part 2

2004-11-29T21:16:00.000-05:00

More cuteness :-)

bunny update

2004-11-20T23:10:00.000-05:00

One of the baby bunnies opened it's eyes. It is soo cute! Pictures will be posted soon...hopefully. :)

2004-11-19T01:17:00.000-05:00

sometimes when i’m all alone
i don’t know if i can
take another breath
some say home is where the heart is
tell me where my home is
cause i am scared to death

...

2004-11-17T22:29:00.000-05:00

I am tired of trying to love and I am tired of being hurt. Well, that's not entirely accurate so let me rephrase it. I'm tired of trying to love because I'm tired of being hurt. (Conjunctions can be quite crucial.) I understand that no one is perfect and as a direct correlation we all make mistakes. But all I am asking for is a little honest effort. I don't want pity. That will do neither of us any good.

Somebody once told me that they thought the church would be a substantial factor in the healing of my broken self. I believe they are wrong. Right now it has done a good deal more hurting than healing. I can sit through a service and do nothing but cry and I honestly believe that no one knows. Because if they do they don't say anything. Ever. Why would I say something like that? I have sat through four services and done that very thing. I sat there and cried until I swore my contacts were going to jump ship and land right on the soundboard. And no one sees me. Even when people come into the booth and need me to relay a message or they need to find something they left in there they don't notice. I am the amazing invisible wonder.

So I walk around looking like a wreck and it has just become the norm. I stopped trying to hide the mess I have become because I know I can't. I also know no one cares to notice. So why on earth should I even try?I know it's terrible of me to say such things but I am tired and just want to be loved. I am finding that such a request has become too tall of an order to be filled. Everyone has something or someone more important to attend to. And that's fine. I'm ok with that. Just don't pretend you care anymore for my sake.

what's new

2004-11-15T23:28:00.000-05:00

Not much really. A few posts back I mentioned that I got a job at Books-A-Million in Centerville. This is no longer true. I now work at Books & Co. in Kettering; more specifically the Joe Muggs cafe in Books & Co. So rather than being a bookseller / barista I am now solely a barista. In other words, I get to make all kinds of crazy coffee.

Finals week has begun at the ever lovely WSU. Today I took my Latin final. s?c semper ?t. Friday is my other final, which is for my classics 150 class on Greek and Roman history. I should start memorizing the dates for the Bronze Age through the events leading up to and including the fall of the Roman empire, but I went to the review session today so that will have to start up tomorrow.

If any of you read Lil's blog you know that Pumpkin and Turnip, my rabbits, had five little baby bunnies recently. Sadly, two of them died today.

No more Six Steps stories at the moment. It makes me sad to think about it. I miss them. A lot.

do dah....do dah

2004-11-11T01:24:00.000-05:00

I think I need to post something happy, or at least happier. I try not to be overly serious for extended periods of time. It makes me nervous. So don’t expect anything deep and revealing this time. :-p I thought I might recount the first, of what I hope to be many, tales from my Six Steps Summer. Sadly these accounts will most likely not be in chronological order. Oh well. The first thing that comes to mind when reminiscing this past summer is the camp held at Seneca Lake. This was my very first stay as a participant of the legendary Baptist camp and I was a little wary. After all I am not what you would call an outdoorsy gal. Walking to and from classes at WSU is the most contact I usually have with wide open spaces. During the first week of our stay we resided in Beech. For those of you who are familiar with Seneca Lake, you know how scary the cabins across from the dining hall can be. It resembles something of an insect hub. They are everywhere. Literally. Coming in, going out. They are always there whether you see them or not.

One morning I woke up and shortly after spotted a spider crawling out from beneath my pillow on his way to grab a cup of coffee. He had quite the purposeful air about his gait. Another morning I found a large fuzzy winged glob on the wall at which one of my roomies (I believe it was Savannah) declared, ‘Girl, you betta getch yo flip-flop!’ I wish I could better recreate the accent she used to deliver the warning. It was a hybrid of sorts between a Texan’s drawl and gangsta talk. Nevertheless, it got our day off to an interesting start. Not long after, Kelly, Jennelle, Savannah, and I could be found throwing a hot pink bandana into the ceiling fan and watching it smack into the walls, doors, lamps, etc. We thought it was nothing short of hilarious. At the moment I can’t recall much else that happened along these lines during that week at camp. I’m sure they’ll come back to me later though. Either way, it’s fun to look back on the goofy things you did with people you love. Hopefully you got a few smiles out of it too. :)

2004-11-10T22:32:00.000-05:00

where do i go from here...

sad days

2004-11-07T21:26:00.000-05:00

There's always this stigma that seems to lurk about when I sit down to type out something that is less than cheerful. I'm afraid of what the people who know me outside the internet are going to think. I'm terrified that they are going to read whatever I may have to say and reject me on the basis I am too human, too weak, and too messed up. Part of me takes comfort in the fact I am indeed human, weak, and messed up. Why? Despite all that, God still chooses to love and accept me. He loves this mess of a person for who he created me to be even when I can't....especially when I can't...love myself. More often than not I can take comfort in that thought.

But not today. Actually not for about a week now. Maybe more. I just can't say for certain when things began their rapid descent. So I now find myself in a state of loneliness and I would like to say I'm not sure how I got here, but I can't. I haven't been going to Crosswalk very much as of late. The excuses I use to satiate my conscience consist of the more trivial things in life, like how far I would have to drive or how tired my feet are. Why these petty reasons suffice to keep me away I don't really know, but nevertheless they do. So I have withdrawn from the friends I once knew I had at college for no good reason.

Even in church I can't seem to find my niche. Sometimes I don't think anyone can see me behind the soundboard. I don't want to be defined by what I do, but I feel like am. I want to be more than the girl with curly blonde hair that runs sound. I want to have a name. I want to have somebody care enough to ask if I'm hurting. I want to have friends. Real ones. Genuine ones. But maybe I'm just too introverted for that. I don't know because I can't make myself think about it even though I should. I can't stand the silence. I'm always looking for something to fill it, to drive out what is fighting to consume my thoughts.

And so that is where I sit now. Clacking away on the other side of a computer screen wanting to be close to God but finding myself unable to be, wanting help but not knowing where to find it, and wanting a friend who is willing to come along for the ride...

I find myself very much alone...

retreat!!!!

2004-10-08T11:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess it's technically more of a convention. Not that it really matters. So this weekend I will be traveling to sunny Cincinnati for an all expenses paid (by me) three day and two night stay at the luxurious Woodfiled Suites. (I think it's actually the Woodfield Suites but that is how it was spelled in the email and thus it shall remain.) This is the locale for the annual Crosswalk Fall Convention this year. As a Six Step gal I am required to be in attendance. I must say, at first I was reluctant to go. Now I'm anxiously awaiting my departure. What spurred on this change in attitude? Things falling apart, of course! It's not that I don't miss my Six Steps buddies dearly, I just had a to-do list I didn't want to let go of. With a little encouragement I laid aside my school work and job related responsibilities. Although I don't feel ready, off I go. Off to leave behind my family, several friends, and my church family for a weekend. Off on a break from the crumbling mess that is my life. Whether I'm just blindly running away or seeking a stable refuge I can't say. All I know is it's truly amazing how much you can hurt for your own good...

Umm.....yeah

2004-10-01T11:16:00.000-04:00

So I haven't got the hang of titling my posts yet. I'm sitting in the computer lab at good ol' WSU and thought I'd blog. Why, you ask? What on earth would she have to blog about before the passing of another month, you say? It's not even been twenty-four hours! Well I'm typing out a couple poems I'm entering in a contest they are having over at the Dayton Metro Library. I am currently trying my darndest to revise one of them and I'm just getting no where. So, in frustration I decided to blog in hopes it would work out the kinks in my brain. In other words, I have nothing interesting to say. Hmm, let's see...what can I talk about...well all that's going on in this little head is how to fix my poem. arg. I hate it when I obsess over little stuff. Oh well. I would post it and ask for suggestions but I was told that poetry is a big "no-no" as far as blogs go. Thus I shall spare you that torment. :) I'm just going to give up for now and turn it in as is unless something better presents itself in the next hour. And that's not going to happen. So now it's off to get lunch. Hurrah!

La la la......

2004-09-30T20:51:00.000-04:00

Ok.....so it's been a while since my last post and much has happened in the life of Robin. Many adventures have transpired with the Six Steps team, classes at good ol' WSU have started, and lo and behold I am now employed. The Six Steps tales will have to wait until another night (or should I say other nights) since I haven't the stamina to recount one at the moment. Classes are going remarkably well. Shockingly enough I have regained my perfectionist approach to my education. What happened to me?!?!? Maybe it was the change of major. But alas, I am no longer the slacker I once was. *sigh.* My days of staying in bed more than twenty-four hours have come to a close; granted that happened at the begining of the summer. So hopefully this will also make for an overall happier and more tolerable/less depressed Robin. The latest excitement comes in the form of a job. Yes, this college student is now a working gal. I'm now part of the workforce at Books-A-Million. Woo hoo!! While the pay is not fabulous, it's not too terrible either. Plus I get to work around books all day. What more could an english major ask for? (at least before she's got a degree ;) ) Well, I suppose that wraps things up for the moment since I need to be writing a poem or two for class tomorrow. Oh, one last thought.....I GOT BUNNIES!!!!!!!! :) Lil has already posted some pics of them on her blog so I'll just link to them for now and post some of my own later. :-D

This one is Pumpkin...

and this one is Turnip.

Here they are together. Aren't they just adorable???

And on that note, I bid you goodnight. :)

2004-08-23T17:43:00.000-04:00

Site Under Construction :)

randomness at its finest

2004-06-04T03:27:00.000-04:00

This past week has been quite a random one for me. There is no particular reason why. Since I have been asked to post something I thought it best to add a disclaimer of sorts at the beginning. So be warned, don’t expect any stream of thought to last more than twelve seconds. Now without further adieu…

Thoughts are strange creatures. Much akin to the fireflies that flicker just long enough to make their presence known. Then they vanish into the sticky darkness of a mid July evening. Their momentary illumination devoured by impending darkness. Hopefully they will come out to play again soon. Perhaps next time I’ll catch them in that empty butter tub mother gave me…

Just walking about campus you can tell that spring has fully set in. It’s not so much in the blooming of sleepy buds or chirping of hungry robins, rather it is the slapping of flip-flops against well-lotioned heels, the clinking of ice in sweaty Styrofoam cups, and a thousand other things that had once vanished between winter’s folded hands filling the eyes and ears of the lengthening day.

Since it is quite late the rest shall have to wait until next time. So...to be continued...

2004-05-28T16:40:00.000-04:00

Oh what a wonderful sight! :-D

2004-05-09T02:50:00.000-04:00

I visited my mamaw and papaw earlier this evening and to my delight papaw had found a rabbit nest recently. The little bunnies were SO cute!!!! Here's a picture that i found online that looks just like them. This is another picture of some super cute baby rabbits. Aren't they just the most adorable things you've ever seen??? On that note...I have decided that whenever it is that I am capable of moving out on my own and getting an apartment my campanion of choice shall be a french lop eared rabbit. They tend to average on a girth of ten to twelve pounds, but have been known to grow as large as twenty-two pounds. That is one big bunny! They can also be trained to use a litter box. I found that to be pretty nifty. Upon a brief glance at the clock (and an "EEP!!" or two) I must be off to bed. 7 a.m. comes way too early....especially since the current time is 2:50 a.m. Ah well......off to dream of happy rabbits.....

2004-04-24T00:32:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I and about fifteen of my peers traversed the great state of Ohio and found ourselves residing at Seneca Lake. After spending a couple days rehearsing with the Six Steps gang we all got to know each other a bit better. So much so that on the return trip home Josh dubbed this song the "Robin Anthem."

2004-03-18T14:30:00.000-05:00

Well it's about time for my monthly update...teeheehee. Anyhoo, it's finals week around the dismally snowy Wright State. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about snow. But it's March! And I seriously need some warm weather to perk me up. Finals are enough to make my spirits droop but throw a seemingly sunless forecast on top of that and I'm doing good just making it out of bed. In other news, a week or two ago I trucked up to Columbus with Jimmy, Lillian, Josh and Nathan for Six Steps auditions. For those of you who are unsure of what Six Steps is, it's a group of about six college-aged people who spend their summer traversing the state of Ohio singing, acting, and serving at several churches in other various ways. The week following auditions I was informed that I made the team. Woohoo!!! I can't wait. :) That's about all for now......off to my last final...

2004-03-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

Lil and Jimmy posted their results on their blogs. So I figured why not...

Say Anything...

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-02-27T03:44:00.000-05:00

As I rode with my friends Lillian and Jimmy to the movie theater the mood was more or less jovial. Looming somewhere in the background there was an uneasy feeling though. We were on our way to watch The Passion of The Christ at Regal Cinema. After making a quick stop at Wendy’s we were then on our way to the theater to meet up with a few more friends from Crosswalk. The tickets were divvied up and we meandered to our seats by 9:09. We still had another twenty-one minutes before the movie was scheduled to begin. This time was spent half-heartedly watching a series of commercials for NBC and TNT. While these various advertisements for ER, Law & Order, and Judging Amy were being paraded before my eyes I attempted to devise some foolproof plan to keep myself from crying during the next two hours. I abhor crying in front of other people. So I figured if I can manage to just stuff down any overwhelming emotion that surfaces I’ll be just dandy…right? After all I can deal with it later. I’ll just go cry in the women’s restroom or something when the credits start to roll.

Oh yes, this foolproof plan worked so well it got me through the first four minutes of the movie without tearing up. I was gone from the first time Jesus uttered “Abba.” It was so different from the mechanical voice I hear in my head when I think of Jesus speaking. His voice was raw with emotion, like that of a child, not devoid of it. He didn’t address God solemnly as “father” like the grown-up son turned family diplomat or persuasively as “daddy” like the teenage daughter who wants to borrow the car. Jesus cried “Daddy”, “Abba,” with intimacy and longing, as does a child reaching for the comfort of His Father’s arms. I feel as though all of what I experienced during the film can in no way be accurately summed up in words. The best account I can offer is in stifled sobs and sniffles. I would want no one to experience the horrific pain I saw endured on my behalf. I am unworthy of such a sacrifice or love, but so in need of it.

As we left the theater, one of the many thoughts reverberating in my head was of a playful, loving, and passionate Jesus. He was not someone who was aloof and impersonal like I frequently make Him out to be. To think that the only perfect being in all of this world and beyond loves me…me! Someone so filthy, unfaithful, and detestable in her own sight is looked upon with love by her God. I’m not talking about love like you love your cat (insert dog there if you prefer) either. Who loves their pet enough to die for them? To be scourged and mocked and bleed for them? Certainly not me. I’m talking about immeasurable, intense, personal love.
Something I can’t even describe because I’ve run from it so often. Nevertheless, Jesus still chose to die for me…because He loves me. Why, I may never be able to truly grasp. I have done and can do nothing that would merit such an undeserved act. And yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

2004-02-19T22:29:00.000-05:00

Change your major. That thought is enough to seize any college Junior with unprecedented terror. The past three years, the entirety of your college education, come under relentless scrutiny. Who is the interrogator fueling this examination you ask? Me. I have become both the defendant and the prosecutor. So why not stick it out? After all it’s only another year or two. Or is it? Maybe after a couple years I would no longer be sitting in a lecture hall taking notes, but rather sitting behind a desk or lab table armed with all sorts of bizarre technology. Consequently, only my environment will have changed, not the predicament I now find myself in. What is it about the lacquered strokes of a Bic pen on a stark white page that spark a brand of exhilaration in my being? Was I created to write; to play with the malleability of the English language? Or is this merely a childish pipedream that I should have outgrown with the onset of puberty, a foolish fantasy of my idle mind? Only time will tell. And perhaps, in time, I will be taking a road less traveled by.

2004-01-27T00:21:00.000-05:00

Night has long been settled and there are no stars to be seen. At least outside my little window to the world. The view is mostly made up of an overpopulated parking lot and a tree or two that melds into the inky sky. One typically assumes a college dormitory would be bursting with vivacity at this hour. Especially considering today WSU was closed on account of the snow. This, however, is not so at my end of the hall. So as a few remnants of an Over the Rhine CD seep beneath my doorway and into the vacant corridor I reacquaint myself with the joys of differential equations. It is not long before I find my thoughts roaming in other directions. I often wonder exactly what am I hoping to achieve during my stay at Wright State. I feel like my dense little brain can’t possible grasp even half the information being hurled at it. Let alone at the alarming speed I am bombarded with said data. Most days I think I should just be branded as a failure and let that be that. If I fall behind ever so slightly I consider death more alluring than receiving less than a passing grade. Honestly, what right does a crazy little girl have to be gallivanting among scholars? Ah well…..back to my studies. And so end the late night babblings of this sleepy soul.

2004-01-19T21:58:00.000-05:00

Suppose it has been long enough since I last updated my blog??? Teeheehee. Sadly enough I'm not updating my blog because anything interesting has transpired. Rather it is on account of the lack of sleep I have at the moment that I have this odd desire to ramble aimlessly via my keyboard. It's funny how talking about practically nothing to yourself can be a form of entertainment in itself. Random thought......Lil has started a blog! Hoorah for Lil!!! At the moment that constitutes all the excitement this little rabbit can stand. Hopefully I shall update my blog again before the turn of the month with something a tad more entertaining. Until then.......toodle-oo!

2003-10-17T18:17:00.000-04:00

"Music and liturgy can assist or express a worshipping heart, but they cannot make a non-worshipping heart into a worshipping one. The danger is that they can give a non-worshipping heart the sense of having worshipped. So the crucial factor in worship in the church is not the form of worship but the state of the hearts of the saints. If our corporate worship isn't the expression of our individual lives, it is unacceptable. If you think you can live any way you want and then go to church on Sunday morning and turn on worship with the saints, you're wrong."

~John Arthur

2003-10-17T18:15:00.000-04:00

"Worship is the submission of all our nature to God.
it is the quickening of conscience to his holiness;
the nourishment of mind with his truth;
the purifying of imagination by his beauty;
the opening of the heart to his love;
the surrender of will to his purpose--
and all of this gathered up in adoration,
the most selfless emotion of which our nature is capable,
and therefore the chief remedy for that self-centeredness
which is our original sin and source of all actual sin."

~William Temple

2003-09-30T15:38:00.000-04:00

"The most obvious fact about praise - whether of God or anything - strangely escaped me...I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise...lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favorite poet, walkers praising the countryside...My whole, more general, difficulty about the praise of God depended on my absurdly denying to us, as regards to the supremely Valuable, what we delight to do, what indeed we cannot help doing, about everything else we value. I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment."
~ C.S. Lewis

2003-09-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

started a fotolog

2003-09-19T00:23:00.000-04:00

Drat!!! I can't get any of these links to work right.....*sigh* Well there's another fun video clip here (third article/clip from the bottom). This time it's a bear and a trampoline.....oh the possibilities...

2003-09-19T00:03:00.000-04:00

Here's a link to MSNBC's news clips section. There's a fun one of Hurricane Isabelle in action under the MSNBC TV heading (the one with Brian Wiliams measuring wind gusts in Virginia Beach).......Brian Williams must have small feet or something.....right Jamie?

2003-09-17T23:46:00.000-04:00

Screwed Up In The Head - adj. - "Well, say you go there, hear all this stuff from professors that is contrary to your little conservative baptist worldview, don't spend the time researching the other viewpoints and start doubting everything and eventually give up and become a disillusioned narcicist who doesn't believe in God and dates poetry-chicks who wear black makeup." *

*This definition was provided by Mister Ian's Dictionary of Randomness. Soon to be at a bookstore near you!

2003-06-10T16:53:00.000-04:00

This past Friday Crosswalk had it's annual End-of-the-Year Banquet. This year's entertainment was provided by Justin.

2003-06-03T23:07:00.000-04:00

This past Sunday I went to a picnic at John Bryan State Park with several of my friends from Crosswalk. The man who was kind enough to organize the picnic and bring the grill and food was also able to bring his wife and five kids. I have had the opportunity to babysit for them a few times over the past couple of years so I know them fairly well. I pull up to the picnic area about thirty minutes late. The grills and whatnot have be started and a couple frisbees are being passed around. But before I can get out of my car, four of the kids are finding their way to where I parked. The youngest two are in the lead hollering my name. My first thought was "Aww!! Aren't they cute!!" But this was soon followed by a "Hey.....these aren't my kids (not that I have any kids mind you) ....how do they know what my car looks like?"

2003-06-02T18:34:00.000-04:00

A weekend or two ago I had the pleasure of attending OneDay with several of my peers from Apex. To say this experience was awesome is an understatement. I still have yet to completely process everything. What little I can comprehend is best said in person, hence the brevity of this post. :) It tends to get a bit confusing when I try to type it out. One thing I can say is "Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord Almighty; the earth is full of His glory." >>

2003-05-08T12:34:00.000-04:00

Here's something interesting for all you lovely people who are at odds with the world of arachnids. Not only does it help pass the time but it's a lot less messy than smooshing the real thing :-p.

2003-04-08T00:46:00.000-04:00

Alas! It has been far too long since I last wrote in my blog. The last week in March I was fortunate enough to travel to Atlanta, Georgia with a group of college people on a mission trip. It was wonderful! Not only did we get to see God do some awesome things, but we also grew a lot closer to each other. On our last day in Atlanta I was reading in Hebrews 6:10. "God is not unfair. He will not forget the work you did or the love you showed for Him in the help you gave and are still giving to other Christians." That was an amazing reminder to not leave our love for others in Atlanta, but to take it with us always. We need to still be loving each other and those around us long after the mission trip is over.

2003-03-21T21:40:00.000-05:00

My apologies for it having been so long since my last entry. The last couple of weeks have been overrun with chaos. Finals week was crazy. I had a diferential equations final followed by my computer engineering final two hours later. That was just Monday. Finals week last quarter was much more enjoyable. BethAnn, Heidi, and I stayed up until all hours of the night enteraining ourselves with a tape recorder and the insanity test .
On a different note, tomorrow I get to go to Atlanta!! Woohoo!!! Crosswalk, a Christian organization at WSU, orchestrates a yearly spring break mission trip. This year God has blessed me with the opportunity to go. With that in mind in need to go pack :-p. It's 9:30 p.m. Friday and we're leaving at 5:30 a.m. Saturday. Yeah...I have some serious work to do.

2003-03-07T12:35:00.000-05:00

Something to consider...

"That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun. So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us--who was raised to life for us!-is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

'They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.'

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Romans 8:28-39 MSG

2003-03-02T01:52:00.000-05:00

Egads....it happened again
For those of you who have read my earlier entry pertaining to me being locked beneath the stage, this would be the occurances of the following Saturday. Once again, while at set-up I was subjected to the pranks of Ian and Jamie. In the midst of duct taping the cables, Jamie took it upon himself to give me a good scare. I haven't been startled to the point of screaming in a while so I guess that was due. However, the fun did not end there. Just before leaving set-up, Jamie, Ian and I were sitting behind the tech table and I noticed each of them armed with a roll of duct tape. I found this peculiar, but felt in no real danger. It wasn't long before they had a good couple feet of duct tape ready to attack heaven only knew what. And, of course, I still sat there unsuspecting I was to be the victim of this evil plot. Suddenly, Jamie moves in to attack with his length of tape. I foolishly grab it thinking this would thwart his endeavor in some way. I was so wrong. This action instead proved to accelerate his progress. Before long both Jamie and Ian had securely affixed me to the folding chair I was sitting in. Of course when this happened there were still a few other people at set-up besides us. It just so happened a couple of these people had cameras. I'm sure it won't be long before the pictures are posted on Apex's website.

2003-02-26T23:40:00.000-05:00

Thought For the Day:
No one enjoys failure. Most of use tend to aviod it if at all possible. We take precautions ranging from having a rigidly formated schedule for the day to avoiding any situation that bears the possiblity of achieving less than success. However, "the focus of the Christian life should be on Christ, not on self-imposed regulations. Our experience of Christ's lordship is dependent on our moment-by-moment attention to His instruction, not on our own regimented schedule."*

*Quote from The Search For Significance by Robert McGee

2003-02-24T23:52:00.000-05:00

Here's something to give you a laugh. :)
Saturday nights around 10:30 a group of people get together to set-up for church the following morning. While in the midst of taking a break from duct taping some sound cords to the gym floor, I chose to wing a nearly spent roll of tape at Jamie, Apex's sound guru. Naturally, it was a direct hit. :) This later proved to be a catalyst to my demise. A short while later Jamie in turn flung the roll of duct tape at me,but missined by a foot or so. This was a warning shot...or so he claims. With what I assumed to be Jamie's attempt at retaliation having passed, I went about my merry business. After the cables running beneath the folding chairs were secured I moved on to those running beneath the platform. This hollow platform measures about 3 feet high by 7 feet wide and stands in two halves so the cables can be run between them. While under one half of the platform taping the cords, I began to wonder if Jamie would take it upon himself to close up the platform. Just as I began to entertain this thought, the gap between the platform halves rapidly began to shrink. Before I realized what was happening, I was sitting in a very dark pressboard prison. Thankfully Kristine and Julie came to my rescue. After escaping the void beneath the platform, I discovered not only had Ian, the powerpoint engineer, participated in this act, but had also orchestrated the plot. Debauchery! Nevertheless.....the time will come when both Jamie and Ian are repayed in full. Bwa ha ha!

2003-02-18T00:12:00.000-05:00

Cair Paravel is a castle in the mythical country of Narnia, created by C.S. Lewis. It was a place of incredible beauty; likened to "a great star resting on the seashore." When the children Lucy, Edmund, Peter and Susan are crowned there by Aslan, it was a time of celebration for all. What a celebration there will be when we, as children of God, are taken to heaven!

Hoorah! Wright State University was closed today! And what do college students do on a snow day? Why hurl themselves down snow covered hills in everything from laundry baskets to folding chairs, of course!

2003-02-17T01:13:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the assistance of Sir Ian my blog is now functional. Henceforth I shall attempt to post on a more regular basis.

Now that I am sitting before my computer screen faced with the decision of what to write, my mind draws a blank. I could relate to you the events surrounding the death of my roomate's iridescent shark or perhaps the thrilling venture from the dorms to church this morning. For the moment I shall leave you to wonder if the death of Bermuda, the shark, was indeed premeditated and exactly how many individuals thought BethAnn and I were legally insane to even consider braving the snowy highway. Upon glancing at the clock, which now reads 1:00 a.m., I have decided to clarify the title of my blog sometime in the near future rather than tonight.

Alas! Tomorrow's classes have yet to be canceled. It is going to be a long day.

2003-02-16T00:16:00.000-05:00

Well ladies and gentlemen, my blog is still under some heavy construction at the moment due to the thick layer of dust that lies on any knowledge I once had of HTML editing. Hopefully I shall be able to effectively unearth what I once knew sometime tomorrow evening. Have a lovely day!