monologue at 3 a.m.

i have been one acquainted with the night...

name:robin    residence: dayton, ohio, united states
et cetera

Monday, November 29, 2004

late night musings

Whenever I think about this past summer I always think of the weekend the Six Steps team spent at University Baptist Church. It's not really the performances or practices I remember most but that Saturday night we spent in the Stecks' family room. We sat down to do our devotion before going to our respective host homes to get some sleep before the Sunday morning service. Kelly opened in prayer and then read a few verses aloud.

Then she did something unexpected. She asked how we were all doing. But first, she chose to expose the dark corners of her life. She was honest. Painfully so. It was still early in the summer and she could have chosen to give all the good little Christian answers and left her walls intact. But she didn't. She shared what was really going on with her and God and where she was struggling. Slowly and some of us more timid than others, we followed suit.

Each of us chose to be real. We chose to step out from behind facades and quit hiding. Everyone's eyes were brimming with tears as we each in turn shared how unprepared we were, how little time we had given to God going into such a big commitment, and the fears and insecurities that took up the space in our hearts that rightfully belonged to Christ. Many tears were shed and much love was shared. We sat there dismantling the walls that stood between us and gave the others permission to come close.

I was afraid for a while. I was afraid of what they would think. Of what they would say when they knew. But no one said anything. They just cried with me and held me close. And I knew they loved me. In those hours God gave me a glimpse of what He felt for me. He showed me what I know to be the closest thing to unconditional love this side of heaven. I never felt so free to love another person before. There were no games or pretenses. We left them there on that white carpet in little heaps of tissues all around the room. All that was left was six imperfect and worn people. But our raggedness didn't matter.

That night set us up for the rest of the summer. We knew when a teammate was hurting. We stopped and prayed for each other when we knew there was nothing else to be done but hug them tight and cry along with them. We gave each other to God because we learned He is the only one who could hold us together and fill in the cracks. He was the only one strong enough to bear our pain. So we let go of the things that made our shoulders sag under the weight of a heavy heart. God freed each of us from so much.

Even though I don't see them every day anymore I do think of them often. The laughs and tears we shared. And especially the love. The love that banded our little ragtag crew into a community that lived and served to make God smile.

baby bunnies part 1

Isn't it so unbelievably adorable??? I could just eat this bunny up!

baby bunnies part 2

More cuteness :-)

Saturday, November 20, 2004

bunny update

One of the baby bunnies opened it's eyes. It is soo cute! Pictures will be posted soon...hopefully. :)

Friday, November 19, 2004

sometimes when i’m all alone
i don’t know if i can
take another breath
some say home is where the heart is
tell me where my home is
cause i am scared to death

Wednesday, November 17, 2004


I am tired of trying to love and I am tired of being hurt. Well, that's not entirely accurate so let me rephrase it. I'm tired of trying to love because I'm tired of being hurt. (Conjunctions can be quite crucial.) I understand that no one is perfect and as a direct correlation we all make mistakes. But all I am asking for is a little honest effort. I don't want pity. That will do neither of us any good.

Somebody once told me that they thought the church would be a substantial factor in the healing of my broken self. I believe they are wrong. Right now it has done a good deal more hurting than healing. I can sit through a service and do nothing but cry and I honestly believe that no one knows. Because if they do they don't say anything. Ever. Why would I say something like that? I have sat through four services and done that very thing. I sat there and cried until I swore my contacts were going to jump ship and land right on the soundboard. And no one sees me. Even when people come into the booth and need me to relay a message or they need to find something they left in there they don't notice. I am the amazing invisible wonder.

So I walk around looking like a wreck and it has just become the norm. I stopped trying to hide the mess I have become because I know I can't. I also know no one cares to notice. So why on earth should I even try?I know it's terrible of me to say such things but I am tired and just want to be loved. I am finding that such a request has become too tall of an order to be filled. Everyone has something or someone more important to attend to. And that's fine. I'm ok with that. Just don't pretend you care anymore for my sake.

Monday, November 15, 2004

what's new

Not much really. A few posts back I mentioned that I got a job at Books-A-Million in Centerville. This is no longer true. I now work at Books & Co. in Kettering; more specifically the Joe Muggs cafe in Books & Co. So rather than being a bookseller / barista I am now solely a barista. In other words, I get to make all kinds of crazy coffee.

Finals week has begun at the ever lovely WSU. Today I took my Latin final. s?c semper ?t. Friday is my other final, which is for my classics 150 class on Greek and Roman history. I should start memorizing the dates for the Bronze Age through the events leading up to and including the fall of the Roman empire, but I went to the review session today so that will have to start up tomorrow.

If any of you read Lil's blog you know that Pumpkin and Turnip, my rabbits, had five little baby bunnies recently. Sadly, two of them died today.

No more Six Steps stories at the moment. It makes me sad to think about it. I miss them. A lot.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

do dah

I think I need to post something happy, or at least happier. I try not to be overly serious for extended periods of time. It makes me nervous. So don’t expect anything deep and revealing this time. :-p I thought I might recount the first, of what I hope to be many, tales from my Six Steps Summer. Sadly these accounts will most likely not be in chronological order. Oh well. The first thing that comes to mind when reminiscing this past summer is the camp held at Seneca Lake. This was my very first stay as a participant of the legendary Baptist camp and I was a little wary. After all I am not what you would call an outdoorsy gal. Walking to and from classes at WSU is the most contact I usually have with wide open spaces. During the first week of our stay we resided in Beech. For those of you who are familiar with Seneca Lake, you know how scary the cabins across from the dining hall can be. It resembles something of an insect hub. They are everywhere. Literally. Coming in, going out. They are always there whether you see them or not.

One morning I woke up and shortly after spotted a spider crawling out from beneath my pillow on his way to grab a cup of coffee. He had quite the purposeful air about his gait. Another morning I found a large fuzzy winged glob on the wall at which one of my roomies (I believe it was Savannah) declared, ‘Girl, you betta getch yo flip-flop!’ I wish I could better recreate the accent she used to deliver the warning. It was a hybrid of sorts between a Texan’s drawl and gangsta talk. Nevertheless, it got our day off to an interesting start. Not long after, Kelly, Jennelle, Savannah, and I could be found throwing a hot pink bandana into the ceiling fan and watching it smack into the walls, doors, lamps, etc. We thought it was nothing short of hilarious. At the moment I can’t recall much else that happened along these lines during that week at camp. I’m sure they’ll come back to me later though. Either way, it’s fun to look back on the goofy things you did with people you love. Hopefully you got a few smiles out of it too. :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

where do i go from here...

Sunday, November 07, 2004

sad days

There's always this stigma that seems to lurk about when I sit down to type out something that is less than cheerful. I'm afraid of what the people who know me outside the internet are going to think. I'm terrified that they are going to read whatever I may have to say and reject me on the basis I am too human, too weak, and too messed up. Part of me takes comfort in the fact I am indeed human, weak, and messed up. Why? Despite all that, God still chooses to love and accept me. He loves this mess of a person for who he created me to be even when I can't....especially when I can' myself. More often than not I can take comfort in that thought.

But not today. Actually not for about a week now. Maybe more. I just can't say for certain when things began their rapid descent. So I now find myself in a state of loneliness and I would like to say I'm not sure how I got here, but I can't. I haven't been going to Crosswalk very much as of late. The excuses I use to satiate my conscience consist of the more trivial things in life, like how far I would have to drive or how tired my feet are. Why these petty reasons suffice to keep me away I don't really know, but nevertheless they do. So I have withdrawn from the friends I once knew I had at college for no good reason.

Even in church I can't seem to find my niche. Sometimes I don't think anyone can see me behind the soundboard. I don't want to be defined by what I do, but I feel like am. I want to be more than the girl with curly blonde hair that runs sound. I want to have a name. I want to have somebody care enough to ask if I'm hurting. I want to have friends. Real ones. Genuine ones. But maybe I'm just too introverted for that. I don't know because I can't make myself think about it even though I should. I can't stand the silence. I'm always looking for something to fill it, to drive out what is fighting to consume my thoughts.

And so that is where I sit now. Clacking away on the other side of a computer screen wanting to be close to God but finding myself unable to be, wanting help but not knowing where to find it, and wanting a friend who is willing to come along for the ride...

I find myself very much alone...